This is a very intentional exercise that is used to learn skills or tools to help with in the moment conflict, so after practice this will be skills you can use in the time of conflict. Like all new things practice is important, because trying to use a new skill or tool in the time of big emotion is very anxiety provoking and doesn’t always work well. a time should be set by agreement of both leaving at least enough time for both parties to have time to think and prepare themselves. both parties will come to the session with one issue each, and one positive share each session. Both parties should come to the meeting full(no hangry folks),not emotionally distracted not physically distracted (so no phones, tablets, tv, anything that would take your attention from your partner). There should be multiple bottles of conflict water (this can be a water bottle, a jug of water, but at least 8 oz or more) for both parties,

and you should be in a place *(never the safe zone aka the bed) both people can feel connected and be touching and open to another easily. one person goes first presents their issue, and than the partner gets the opportunity to offer a solution-based reply. remember this is all I messages and no blaming or complaining. starting this out it may be easier to use smaller concerns or needs to help start this and work up feeling safe to be vulnerable with your partner. to start each issue should probably remain about 15 minutes to talk back in forth about. the issue is finished only after both parties agree to resolution or agree to rediscuss at a specific date to revisit the conversation. This will be done with both issues, then followed up with the positive feedback for the week or a positive observation for your partner about what is good in your week or relationship. This needs to be followed by both parties, so this always feels equal and not one person doing all the work. Keep in mind if you are feeling frustrated or unsure what to say use the water that is why it is there. remember you should be touching and open to your partner, body language can communicate very loudly and can ruin good conversations. don’t react out of emotion, give yourselves time to think and speak with a calm head. If things feel out of control or you both feel you hit a roadblock bring it to therapy, we can all work on this together. this is new! practice improves all things.

*The bed should never be a place of arguments or conflict. It should be known as the safe place that each of you can retreat and still be held or close to the other person, but taking a break from the current conversation or argument. I recommend making this a place that you only sleep or have sex. This is a place that if you retreat to, your partner can follow but no discussions or conflict will happen here, just holding another and being together.